With the writers’ strike in the US, the big networks may have to import their programs from elsewhere. Denise Haskew investigates what’s on offer from the BBC

Article first published: January/February 2008

With the writers’ strike hitting TV production in the US, foreign broadcasters are no doubt hoping to step in to fill the void with their own programming. This means the press release I received in early December, optimistically entitled An Unmissable Christmas This Year On BBC Television, may resonate beyond the UK.

It kicks off with a word from Jana Bennett, director of BBC Vision (as in ‘sight’ rather than ‘foresight’): “Our Christmas schedule features the finest talent British television has to offer… there really is something for everyone this year on BBC Television.” Hmm. Time to test that assertion, I think.

First, it is a universal truth that any program featuring time travel eventually winds up on the Titanic. It’s as sure a way of saying the writers have run out of ideas as having a flashback episode featuring the best bits from earlier episodes when the writers were still blessed with original thoughts. But the deck of the Titanic is exactly where Dr Who will find himself this Christmas, in the inestimable company of “the one and only Kylie Minogue.” Yes, the press release writers take great pains to point out that there is still only one of her. If anybody out there has managed to clone Kylie, do let me know. I hate inaccuracies in press releases.

“In EastEnders, the biggest secret in Walford is set to be unwrapped…” Well, whatever it is, it’s unlikely to be an inspiring script. What’s else? “Bruce Forsyth and Tess Daly present a Strictly Come Dancing Christmas special, marking the end of the latest incredible [sic] series of sparkles and show stopping moments…” Interestingly, this is a resurrected format. It used to air in the 1970s, and even then it was never enjoyed by anyone born later than 1930. The format has hardly changed, except it now features celebrities you’ve never heard of instead of non-celebrities you’ve never heard of. All that this piece of anachronistic baloney proves is that the maxim, “no decent record was ever released that had a dance routine” is equally applicable to TV programs.

But the dancing doesn’t end there: “Peter Rabbit, Jeremy Fisher, Jemima Puddle-Duck and Mr Fox will be delighting children of all ages in The Tales Of Beatrix Potter With The Royal Ballet…” Other than the infant Niles and Frasier Crane, I can’t think of one child of any age who’d be delighted by a bunch of ballet dancers wearing vaguely disturbing animal head masks. But if the kids refuse to be enchanted by frog-headed ballet, “Little ones can look forward to a CBeebies Christmas Special featuring fun, games and their very own version of Strictly Come Dancing.” Now, that’s just child abuse. There’s also a “Christmas editions of The Basil Brush Show” – another relic from the 70s who, along with Pudsy Bear, represents the only remaining justification for the reintroduction of blood sports.

Kids are catered for in the arts strand too. “Arena joins celebrated entertainer Ken Dodd as the 80-year-old plays to packed houses on a tour of the UK.” I promise you, if you were born before the First World War, you’ll love TV this Christmas.

BBC Four, of course, goes its own way. “BBC Four treats viewers to a major dance season… Darcey Bussell’s Farewell Performance… Royal Ballet… Ten Best Ballet Moments.” Hang on, I like BBC Four. This has to be an aberration. Does the press release mention anything else from the channel? Ah yes, “Dance Britannia tells the definitive story of popular dance in Britain.” OK, but… “The channel will also be showing a series of classic Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers films.”

Meanwhile, over on BBC2, there are “exclusive screenings of the Royal Ballet’s recent production of…” All right, I get it, already. Lots of programs for people of all ages… who happen to like watching other people dancing.

And why is it that Christians are always trying to hijack Christmas? “Over the holiday period there will also be two special editions of Songs Of Praise as well as two services broadcast live from Worcester Cathedral”. Just in case these programs make it over to the US, where there’s already a goodly amount of Bible-thumping programming, you’ll be able to tell the difference easily enough because in the British versions, nobody demands your money. This is public service broadcasting, after all.

In comedy, the BBC has managed to entice Ricky Gervais to do a one-off special of Extras, which is at least vaguely 21st Century and hopefully won’t feature any dancing. But the good news ends there. “Penelope Keith and Peter Bowles are reunited… in a one-off return of the Seventies smash hit To The Manor Born.” This program was entirely dated when it was first broadcast 30 years ago, playing out as it did the conflict between impecunious landed gentry (Keith) and industrialist nouveau riche (Bowles). A conflict d’amour that might conceivably have had some comic resonance in the 1770s, but which had lost it entirely by the turn of the 20th Century.

Finally, there are, “Christmas editions of My Family and Not Going Out.” Which all adds up to one inescapable conclusion: in Britain the writers have been on strike all along. They just haven’t bothered to tell anyone.

Denise Haskew After 10 years as a television commissioning editor, Denise decided she needed a more intellectual challenge, so she gave it up to become a model. She has done all sorts of useless jobs, such as magazine publishing and PR. She plans to be on the first big spaceship to leave the Earth, alongside all the telephone sanitizers.